


Can't live with you. Can't live without you

by weepingelm



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Complete, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:15:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weepingelm/pseuds/weepingelm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is always working late then one evening he gets back to the flat to find it empty and a note from his partner.</p><p> </p><p>WARNING UTHER TURNS NICE AND SUPPORTIVE. Had to be done I'm usually so nasty to him</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin was fed up, it was the fifth night this week that Arthur hadn’t come home for the meal he’d prepared. He didn’t mind that it was nearly always him that cooked, after all Arthur had a more high powered job and his father was an unreasonable git, but this was stupid. At nine o’clock he threw the food away just leaving the chicken. Arthur could have that in a sandwich if he wanted.

Then he made a decision that would change things for ever. It was Friday night, he’d been working hard all week and he was going out. He had a quick shower, then, leaving a note for Arthur, left their flat. It felt strange going out alone they had been a couple for so long.

Arthur drove into his parking spot twenty minutes later. As he made his way to the entrance to the block of flats, where he lived with Merlin, he glanced up at their window. That was funny the lights weren’t on, he knew Merlin was getting fed up, he had been late every day this week and at least three days a week for the last month. Perhaps Merlin had gone to bed or having a bath, his partner was always harping on at him to save the world’s resources and not waste electric. Arthur entered the block a smile on his face he was home and would make it up to Merlin this weekend.

As he opened the door he called out “Hi Merlin I’m back, sorry I’m late again.” There was no answer that meant Merlin was really pissed off with him. Switching on the light, and taking his jacket off he placed it carefully over the back of a chair, walking through to the bedroom. To his surprise it was empty, so was the bathroom, he even looked in the spare room. Now worried he went to the kitchen and saw the chicken on the table and by it a note.

Picking up the note he was immediately worried, had something happened to Merlin’s mum. He opened the note and read the contents:

Fed up with this, you prat, its Friday night and I’m going out.  
I work hard as well, but this is getting too much, you’re not   
just late it’s stupid hours, why don’t you just sleep at the office.  
Be back sometime. Don’t wait up.  
Your partner I think.

Arthur sat down on the kitchen chair with a thump. He’d really screwed up and he knew it. He sat there for awhile before going to his jacket and getting out his phone. He dialled Merlin’s number but the other man didn’t answer so he texted him.

So very sorry, where are you and I’ll come.  
Love Arthur

There was no answer.

He kept trying leaving ever desperate messages but still no answer. In the end he swallowed his pride and rang Will, one of Merlin’s best friends but he didn’t answer either. So he tried Gwaine after four rings Gwaine answered his phone:

“Hi Princess, to what do I owe this honour?”

“Have you seen Merlin?” Arthur tried to sound casual.

“Why? You lost him?” came the short answer.

“Look Gwaine I just need an answer please. I got home from work and he’s not here. He left a note to say he was going out, but he’s not answering his phone and I’m worried.”

“If you’re that worried perhaps you should think of him sometimes, instead of your father, you’re going to lose the best thing in your life. I don’t know where he is and if I did I wouldn’t tell you.” 

With that the phone went dead. After that Arthur couldn’t get hold of anyone.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur continued every half an hour to leave messages for Merlin. He tried Will a couple of times. When Merlin still wasn’t back by two o’clock in the morning Arthur was going crazy with worry. He then rang all the hospitals and the police. The police told him he couldn’t report Merlin missing yet, as he had left a note and there was no reason to suggest anything had happened. The person on the other end of the phone suggested he get some sleep, and that his partner would probably be back in the morning. 

Once Merlin had made up his mind to leave the flat the rest was easy. He had drawn out some cash earlier, he had intended to visit his mother this weekend and take her out. It was her birthday during the next week. So he had a couple of hundred pounds in cash. He had a shower and changed before leaving Arthur a note. Then he set off, he had never felt so miserable. He loved Arthur but he had to face facts, his lover obviously didn’t love him as much in return. Arthur would always want to please his father more than him.

Merlin got on the tube and headed for the other side of London. He didn’t want to see any of their friends, and have to explain that yet again Arthur was at work. He was fed up with seeing the pity in their faces. He found an all night bar and went and found himself a seat in the corner. He ordered a double whiskey and sat and drank it then ordered another, he was a light weight when it came to alcohol, but he wanted to get hammered and drown his thoughts. When he was on his third double the bartender stopped to talk to him. Percy was a big man but was well known for his heart of gold, and it was obvious to him that this customer was trying to get drunk as quickly as he could, and not so he could have a good time.

“I’d slow down if I were you mate, you won’t last long if you drink that quick.”

“I don’t want to.” Merlin was already feeling drunk and he was always a talkative drunk. “The bastard, I can’t live with him not anymore I can’t do it.” Merlin looked up at Percy.

“No one is worth getting that plastered.”

“I love him, but he doesn’t care, I’m just convenient shag and someone to cook for him. Trouble is I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him.” Merlin finished off his drink. “Another double landlord”

“Just slow down mate, I won’t keep serving you if you don’t” Percy was a good judge of character; you had to be in his job. He knew this wasn’t how this young man normally acted. He wasn’t one of the usual Friday night crowd. “Now what’s you name I can’t keep calling you mate.”

By now Merlin’s voice was becoming slurred. The Merlin Emrys came out more M..r..n Emss”

“Well hello Martin Emms, it’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m Percy, now like I said slow down.” Percy moved off to serve further along the bar before Merlin had chance to correct the name, mind you he didn’t really care.

After awhile Merlin move to one of the seats away from the bar, he was now on his sixth double and completely sloshed. He had been served his last two doubles by one of the other bar staff. Percy had been busy in the other bar most of the night. By three o’clock it was beginning to slow down. Percy came through and saw Merlin sat in the corner with a couple of other young men, although Merlin had his head on the table. The other men saw him watching and walked off. The bar would stay open all night so Percy was happy for Merlin to sleep off his drink.

 

Arthur didn’t even bother to get undressed, but dozed in the chair hoping that Merlin would walk in the door. Every time he woke he tried to ring Merlin. When morning came and Merlin still wasn’t back Arthur was frantic. He rang all their friends and then rang Merlin’s mother. She hadn’t heard from him and promised to let him know. The trouble was now he knew he’d worried her as well. 

Arthur left a note on the table in case Merlin came back, and then he set off to all Merlin’s favourite places. He’d checked though everything in the flat and as far as he could tell Merlin had the cloths on his back and a bit of cash. Merlin even left his bank cards at home. That wasn’t that unusual, if he had been planning a night in a pub or club. Merlin never took his cards; he was frightened they would get stolen. He had been wearing his favourite black jeans, a black t shirt and his thin black jacket.

Every so often Arthur would check the flat before going out again. By the Saturday teatime there still wasn’t any sign of Merlin. So Arthur went round to Gwaine’s and knocked on the door. He must have looked awful; he hadn’t shaved or changed his cloths. Gwaine took one look at him and let him in.

“Do you have any idea where he is Gwaine? Just tell me he’s alright please.” Arthur begged, not caring anymore about his pride.

“Look Arthur I promise you I haven’t seen or heard from him. I’ve left messages on his phone. I’m worried as well, he’s my best mate. I even rang Hunith.”

“So have I, I’ve rung the hospitals, the police everyone I can think of.” Arthur’s voice broke. “I just need to know he’s ok, I accept he doesn’t want to speak to me……..I love him Gwaine……and I’m scared.”

“Arthur I wish I knew, like I said you’re not the only one that’s worried. You’re a total twat for how you’ve treated him, and I don’t blame him for going out….but this isn’t like him.” 

“Have you spoken to Will? I can’t get hold of him.” Arthur asked.

“Yes I have, he’s out looking for him, and I’m going out as well. I suggest you stay at the flat in case he goes home. I’ll let you know if we find him….but if he doesn’t want to see you you’re going to have to accept it.” Gwaine said.

“I just want him safe Gwaine.” Arthur walked out and back to the flat, he couldn’t believe how his life had changed in just twenty four hours. 

By that evening there was still nothing. Arthur was out of his mind with worry. Even if Merlin was pissed off with him he wouldn’t have made all his friends worry. It was so out of character. Arthur spent a sleepless night once more. Merlin had now been gone thirty six hours. All their friends were now looking.

In the morning Arthur rang the police and reported him missing. He gave them photos, and a description of the cloths that were missing. His sister had come back from holiday, and when she heard the news was round straight away. Morgana forced Arthur to have a shower and change, and made him something to eat, which he pushed round the plate but hardly touched. By the evening he had fallen into an uneasy but restless sleep, by now he was imagining all sorts of fates for Merlin, and was a total wreck. He blamed himself for the whole thing he had been thoughtless, and should have made more of an effort to get home at a decent hour then this would never have happened. Morgana made him lie on his bed and he held on to Merlin’s favourite tshirt, it smelt of his lover and somehow made him seem closer.

When Monday morning came round and still no sign of Merlin, Arthur made no effort to go to work and didn’t even phone in. Morgana did it for him and at nine thirty the phone rang. Arthur ran to it and snatched it up.

“Merlin, thank god.” He said only to hear his father’s voice.

“Arthur get into work now! I won’t have you staying at home just because your paramour hasn’t come home for a few days.” Uther said not caring that his son was deeply affected by Merlin’s disappearance.

“Father………………no I’ve got to be here, I’m sorry but its work that has caused this.” He put the phone down not wanting to hear anymore.

Half an hour later Uther arrived at the door. Arthur at first refused to let him in but he had no real choice as his father pushed through the door. “For heaven’s sake boy sort yourself out, have you looked in a mirror.” Uther was shocked by his son’s appearance.

“I don’t care, thanks to you and my damn job I’ve lost Merlin. We can’t find him he could be hurt or dying.”

“You can’t blame your job just because you’ve had a row” Uther had never seen his son in such a state.

“I haven’t had a row, he walked out because I’m never home, all last week it was nine and gone, and for weeks I’ve been late most days. I should never have let it happen, now no one knows where he is, he could be dead out there somewhere, and all you care about is work. Well I’m not you I have..had someone to love.”

Uther looked at his son, and suddenly realised for the first time just how much his son meant to him and how far they’d drifted apart. He had never understood his son’s sexuality and thought it was an act of rebellion. “You love him; this isn’t just some way of getting at me is it?”

“Of course I love him! He means more to me than my own life, and now he’s missing.” Arthur cried.

Uther seemed to make a monumental decision. “Then find him son, find him and tell him how much he means to you. I’m sorry I should have known you wouldn’t have done this to spite me, your mother always said I acted without thinking and she was right.”

Uther put his arm round his son for the first time in years. “Take all the time you need boy, I should never have tried to part you, I never realised you loved him as much as I loved your mother, and losing her nearly destroyed me.”

Arthur looked at his father “You mean that?” he was incredulous. “After all this time?”

“Yes son I do.” Uther looked at Arthur as if seeing him for the first time. “I haven’t been a good father to you, I see that now. All I have thought of for years is the business; I buried myself in it when I lost your mum. Whatever it takes boy find your man.”

The trouble is Arthur had no idea what to do next. He rang the police to see if they’d heard anything. But they hadn’t, Arthur didn’t think it was much of a priority for them. He decided to take more positive action. He found a photo of Merlin and made up a poster asking if anyone had seen him. He then printed of as many as he could. He then rang all this friends and asked them to help him that evening to put them up all round London. While he waited be made a list of all the clubs and pubs he could find in a ten mile radius and started to email them the poster. It was six o’clock before he stopped, when Gwaine and Will turned up for some posters. Leon, Morgana, Gwen and Lance also came to help. 

They all stayed out for three hours until they had no posters left. When he got back to the flat Arthur rang all the hospitals once more. On the Tuesday evening with still no sign of Merlin more of their friends turned up to help. Arthur had gone to the printers and had more posters done. He had also continued to email the pubs and clubs.


	3. Chapter 3

Will and Gwaine and all their friends also put messages out on facebook and twitter but no one seemed to have seen Merlin. They did get one possible sighting on the tube but it was way out of Merlin’s usual haunts. But they decided to look there next. It was the only lead they had.

Merlin was still led over the table at three thirty, now Saturday morning, and Percy decided to wake the man and get him to have some water. He walked over and tried to wake him, only to find he couldn’t. He sat Merlin up and realised something was very wrong. The man he thought of as Martin was unrousable, and had a blue tinge to his face. Percy felt his pulse it was very slow and the man hardly appeared to be breathing. He called out to the other barman still on duty.

“Mordred, call an ambulance will you, I think this guys been drugged, it looks like it might be G.B.H. and get me the pocket mask, I think he’ll stop breathing soon.” 

Mordred grabbed the mobile, and as he made the call he threw the pocket mask at Percy. Percy pulled Merlin out of his seat and led him on the floor, loosening Merlin’s clothing as he did so. Mordred called the ambulance then asked the remaining customers if anyone had medical experience. He knew that GBH in this case was a drug, and not a beating. He then ran to Percy’s side, glad that the other man had first aid training. Percy had been in the business long enough to have seen most things.

Percy was checking Merlin, and it appeared he had got to the boy just in time. Before the ambulance arrived Merlin had stopped breathing. Percy used the mask and started to give artificial breaths, to the young man led at his feet. At the moment his heart was still beating. It seemed an age before the ambulance arrived, together with the police. Percy told the emergency services what he knew and gave them the name of Martin Emms. The police took the remainder of Merlin’s drink for analysis, and said they would be in touch. Merlin had nothing on him. His phone was missing, as was the remained of his money. 

Percy had contacted the police late on Saturday and found out that Merlin condition was critical, but that they had still not traced any relatives or friends. On the Tuesday evening Percy was sat checking his emails, and catching up after the weekend. When he got as far as that morning emails he was getting tired and nearly stopped until the morning, but he noticed a subject title that caught his eye. As he opened it he took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. He had seen Arthur’s email. Percy’s pub had only just been emailed, as it was outside of Arthur’s original search area.

Percy didn’t call Arthur, but called the police dealing with the case. Merlin had indeed been drugged, with Gamma Hydroxybutyrate, otherwise known as GBH, combined with the whiskey Merlin had been drinking it had nearly killed him. The sample of whiskey had shown a high level, far higher than normally used, of the drug. And later tests showed Merlin’s blood levels were very high. Percy wasn’t going to ring the person that had caused the young man so much misery that he had wanted to drink himself to oblivion.

Arthur was at home waiting to go back out again. Morgana had offered to go with him further out than they had been before. They also planned to put up posters in the tube stations. Arthur had been given permission that dinnertime. He had already done the local stations. Morgana had just arrived and Arthur was gathering up the bag of posters and tape. His door bell rang and he asked his sister to answer it for him. As Morgana opened the door she saw the police and feared the worse.

“Can we speak to Mr Arthur Pendragon please” one of the police officers asked.

“Arthur came here it’s the police for you.” She called out to scared to move. “Come in”

Arthur walked into the sitting room and saw the police and his face drained of colour. The police only came with bad news was his first thought. He sat down as if pole axed. The police seeing his reaction moved forward to reassure him.

“Mr Pendragon?” one of them asked

Arthur nodded.

“We believe your Partner Merlin Emrys has been found. He’s in hospital I’m afraid and is very ill but he is alive.” The officer looked at Arthur who by now realised that Merlin was alive.

“A publican saw one of your emails this afternoon and contacted us. Your partner was drugged in his pub; the publican saved his life by his quick action. But he thought his name was Martin Emms, so he was admitted to hospital under a different name. We will need you to make a positive identification.”

Arthur looked at the policemen only half of what they said was sinking in, all he heard was Merlin was alive.

“He’s alive, oh my god Morgana he’s alive!!” Arthur had a huge smile of relief on his face.

“Arthur did you hear them, he’s very poorly, he’s in hospital.” Morgana thought he brother was going to collapse.

“Can I see him? Where is he?” Everything was finally sinking in and Arthur went as pale as a ghost once more.

“We can take you, he’s at St Guys, but Sir you must realise he is very ill, the hospital said he is critical at this stage. I’m sorry Sir, but you may need to prepare yourself for the worse. They have asked me to warn you he isn’t expected to make it.” Both policemen looked sympathetic.

Arthur looked at them then at his sister “No…no he can’t be….I can’t loss him please.”

“Come on Arthur, let’s go and see him” Morgana turned to the police. “You said you could take us?”

“Yes miss, Come on Mr Pendragon let’s get you to him.”

As they were travelling to the hospital Morgana texted Gwaine and asked him to let everyone else know. She then did her best to support her brother, by now Arthur was shaking like a leaf.

Once they arrived in the hospital they were taken up to the Intensive Care department and Arthur identified that it was indeed Merlin. Once the hospital had got the correct details for Merlin they were allowed in to see him properly. Merlin was led in a bed attached to lots of machines most of which seemed to be bleeping. There were tubes everywhere including in Merlin’s mouth and down his nose. Arthur walked towards the bed, his legs were like jelly. He took hold of Merlin’s hand and tears started to roll down his face. He didn’t care who saw them. Arthur moved his other hand up to touch Merlin’s forehead and he noticed that Merlin’s eyes had tape over them keeping the eyes shut.

“Oh my darling, what have I done to you.”

A nurse gave him a chair and encouraged him to sit down. He sat there just looking in horror at the sight in front of him. 

A doctor came into the room and asked to speak to Arthur in another room so he walked out with him reluctant to leave the partner he had looked so hard for. 

“Mr Pendragon I understand your Mr Emrys’s partner is that correct?”

Arthur nodded.

“Are you also his next of kin?”

“I suppose so, we live together, and he has a mother.” Arthur said. Morgana gave the doctor a piece of paper with Hunith’s details on.

“Thank you, Mr Ermys is very poorly at the moment, we have had to keep him ventilated as he is unable to breathe on his own. I’m afraid he is in a coma. As you may or may not know your partner had drank at least twelve units of whiskey, and was then given a drug called Ketamine also in high doses, it is believed that this was given to him without his knowledge. The effects of which have left him in the state he is in. We have no idea when, if ever, he will come out of the coma or breathe for himself. If he does waken there is a strong possibility he will have significant health problems. But we won’t know what or how bad until he does wake up.” 

Arthur looked at the doctor “What are his chances doctor?”

“I’m sorry but at the moment they’re not good. We will continue to do what we can but the high level of drug used combined with the alcohol…. I’m sorry. Does your partner have any other medical problems? Or does he take any medication?”

“No nothing. Can I go back to him please?” Arthur said his voice breaking with emotion.

“Of course, we will keep you informed of any changes.” The doctor looked sympathetically at Arthur. “I understand you had an argument before this happened. Please don’t blame yourself the whiskey would not have caused his present state. It is the people who administered the Ketamine who are responsible and not you.” 

“But if I hadn’t been such an idiot he would never have gone out.” Arthur said “It is my fault” tears started to fall once more “Please doctor I can’t lose him.”

“We’ll do everything we can.”


	4. Chapter 4

Arthur sat by Merlin’s bed until the early hours, when Morgana took him home to get some sleep. He was back the next morning and was sat by Merlin when Hunith walked in with Gwaine. She walked up to her son and looked down at him.

“Oh my son, my poor boy” Arthur stood and let Hunith sit down.

“I’m so sorry Hunith it’s all my fault.” Arthur had never felt so guilty in all of his life.

“Hush Arthur, you didn’t know this was going to happen. I know you feel guilty, but what is done is done. We need to concentrate on Merlin now.” She gave Arthur hand a squeeze. “The doctors have spoken to me, we need to keep talking to him and hopefully he will hear us and wake up.”

Arthur had a surprise when an hour later his father turned up. Uther walked towards his son and put his arms around him. “I’m sorry son, Morgana rang me. If there is anything I can do.”

Hunith turned round and looked at Uther “You are Arthur’s father I assume. I’m Hunith, Merlin’s mother.” She knew the problems her son and Arthur had had with Uther, and her voice was cold.

“I am Mrs Emrys. I’m sorry to hear of your son’s problems. I realise I have been less than correct in my past attitude, but his whole episode has made me realise how much Arthur cares for your son. I apologise for any hurt I have caused.” He held out his hand.

Hunith looked at Uther in surprise and took his hand and shook it. “I’m glad you have come to terms with it, they love each other and that is all we should ask for our children.”

“Where are you staying Mrs Emrys? You are welcome to have a room at my home if you wish.” Arthur was stunned by his father’s offer.

Hunith looked at him once more “That’s kind of you, but I’m staying at the hospital for now.”

Uther looked down at his son’s partner before looking at Arthur once more “Take all the time you need son, and if there’s anything I can help you with let me know. I don’t know if there are any specialists anywhere that can be called.” He hesitated unsure how to go on.

“Thanks Dad, I don’t think there’s anything we can do but wait and hope.” It seemed strange to Arthur to be on such good terms with his father, he didn’t even realise he’d called him Dad instead of the normal Father.

Uther squeezed his sons shoulder once more before he turned and left.

“Well that was a surprise” Gwaine spoke for the first time.

“Yes, yes it was.” Arthur said.

The days passed, and Arthur and Hunith took it in turns to sit and talk to Merlin, about anything and everything they could think off. Merlin’s friends called in with tapes of his favourite music, and also spent time talking to him, and supporting both Hunith and Arthur. The anger many of them had felt towards Arthur faded, as they realised just how hard he was taking Merlin’s present state. One day Percy turned up to visit. He wanted to know how Merlin was doing, and was sad to see his condition. Arthur went into the waiting room with Percy, to thank him for all he had done. He was surprised by Percy’s reaction.

“I don’t want your thanks, I’m not sure I even want to talk to you.” Percy said bluntly.

“I’m sorry.” Arthur said in surprise.

“When Merlin was sat in my bar, drinking himself stupid, he talked about you, do you know what he said? He said he loved you, but he thought all he was to you was a fuck and a cook. Is that how you treated him?”

Arthur sat there the colour draining from his face.

“He also said he couldn’t live with you, but he couldn’t live without you, well it looks like he may have got his wish. You may not have given him the drugs, but you sure as hell drove him to drinking so much he didn’t know what was happening. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

Arthur didn’t say anything what could he say? It was true. He loved Merlin but had he shown it? Is that really what Merlin thought, that that was all he was to him. Percy looked at Arthur’s face.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so harsh, but you need to know, have you thought he might not want to wake up? If you do think anything of him tell him! Because he obviously didn’t think you did.”

Arthur looked at Percy “Thank you for telling me. It hurts, but I need to know. I’ve been blaming myself for working late, but it was more than that, wasn’t it. I want you to know Merlin means everything to me, and if he didn’t know that, then that was my fault.”

Percy looked at Arthur and shrugged “I’d like to pop in sometimes, just to see how he’s doing, he seemed a nice fellow.”

“Please do, and thank you, I heard how you saved his life. I owe you a debt I can never ever repay.”

Percy left a stunned Arthur behind. Is that what Merlin really thought, that that was all Arthur cared? He thought Merlin knew that Arthur loved him. But when Arthur thought back honestly he couldn’t remember the last time he told Merlin he loved him. He had been so tired lately, he had just got home eaten and maybe they would quickly made love before Arthur had fallen asleep. Even at the weekends they hadn’t spent much quality time together, spending the time cleaning the flat and shopping. He had been so wrapped up in work and pleasing his father, he’d forgotten just who was the most important person in his life. Arthur walked back to the bedside feeling like a right bastard, and Merlin had paid the price for his actions.

Arthur sat next to Merlin and told the unconscious man just how much he regretted the past couple of months, and that he loved him so much that he didn’t want to live without him. He stroked his hand through Merlin’s hair, like he used to if Merlin was upset or worried, and he held his hand as if it was a lifeline. He vowed to care for Merlin properly in future regardless of whether he woke up or not. He would never let Merlin feel unloved again.

After three weeks Hunith had to return to Wales for awhile, but she promised to return as soon as she could, and that she would return immediately if Merlin’s condition changed. She had to return home or she would lose her job. Arthur offered to give her money if she wanted to stay, and help her find another job afterwards, but she declined. It was easy to see where her son got his independent spirit from.

After six weeks the doctors decided to take Merlin off the ventilator. He was now breathing on his own, although there was no other change in his condition. He was still in a deep coma and showing no signs of it lifting. At least now he didn’t have the tube in his mouth, although the feeding tube remained in his nose. Without the artificial feeding and fluids Merlin would starve to death. Arthur had started to go to work sometimes, he didn’t want to, but the nurses and doctors advised his to. Merlin might stay this way for years and he needed something other than sitting by Merlin’s side. Even then he insisted they ring, if anything no matter how small, changed. He had a separate phone so that he could be contacted day or night, even if he was on his other phone.

The police, with the help of Percy and Mordred, had identified and arrested the two men who had drugged Merlin. They still had his mobile in their flat. They gave the police a full confession, admitting they had used the drug so they could steal from Merlin. They hadn’t intended anything else. It seemed they had gone out to use the Ketamine as a rape drug, on young women but having no luck and running out of money, they had decided to rob Merlin. Each had blamed the other as the main culprit. Arthur was pleased they had been found but it didn’t really change anything Merlin was still in a coma. This continued for another three months. Christmas was particularly hard for Arthur and Hunith that year. They spent the day at the hospital and talked to Merlin and played him all the Christmas songs he loved. Christmas was one of Merlin’s favourite times of the year. Arthur always teased him saying he was a big kid. 

Arthur had noticed that despite the physiotherapy Merlin was getting daily the unconscious man was losing muscle mass and worried that when he did wake up he would have a long fight back to fitness. Three times a day Merlin’s limbs were put on machines that moved his joints and flexed his muscles. Arthur refused to acknowledge that his lover might never wake up. He had been doing passive exercises with Merlin since he had been admitted and he decided to make sure he spent extra time with Merlin each day on the exercise programme.

As the five month mark passed, Arthur was finding harder and harder to cope. Gradually their friends had started to spend less time visiting. Arthur didn’t blame them, they had their own lives to live. But it did feel sometimes that they had given up on Merlin. Then the doctors told Arthur they were going to try a different drug on Merlin, Amantidine, it was a Parkinson drug but had helped in some cases of coma victims. It could take up to six weeks to work but there was no guarantee.   
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It was just after the six month mark when Arthur received a call at work. It was the hospital Merlin had moved his fingers. They thought he might be waking up. Arthur left the office immediately and headed to the hospital. He went straight to Merlin’s bedside and spoke to the nurse than sat down by Merlin and held his hand and talked to him. After about ten minutes Arthur defiantly felt a gentle squeeze on his hand. His heart missed a beat, he kept talking and asked Merlin to open his eyes. After a while there was a slight movement of his eyelids. Within the hour Merlin had opened his eyes briefly and then he moved his lips. Arthur bent his head nearer to Merlin:

“Hello Merlin, are you going to open your eyes for me?” he asked excitedly. 

Then he heard Merlin for the first time in six months “A…ur” Merlin opened his eyes a fraction, just enough for Arthur to see the colour he loved so much. 

The doctor was stood the other side of the bed and smiled at Arthur.

“Hello Merlin good to have you back with us.” He turned to Arthur “Don’t expect too much, he will still be sleepy but it’s a good sign.”

Arthur stayed by the bedside for the next six hours but Merlin remained silent. Hunith had been informed and was on her way. Gwaine was going to meet her at the station. Merlin’s mum walked onto the ward with Gwaine at nine in the evening and once Hunith spoke to Merlin she felt a slight movement of his hand. At ten o’clock the doctors suggested they go home and come back in the morning. Arthur and Hunith were both crying with relief. Gwaine offered to let everyone know but Hunith suggested he wait for now to see what happened the next day. Arthur agreed and said even then it might be best for the others to wait until the doctors were happy before visiting.


	5. Chapter 5

First thing next morning Hunith and Arthur were at Merlin’s bedside and started to talk to him. Arthur held Merlin’s hand and waited for any sign of movement. The first thing that happened was that Merlin opened his eyes and looked round, it was clear he wasn’t focusing properly, but he then looked straight at his mother and a small smile crossed his face 

He tried to speak “Mm” 

“Yes darling it’s your mum, Arthur’s here as well. Look” Hunith pointed to the other side of the bed.

“Ar...r” Arthur grinned so hard he thought his face would crack 

“Hello Love, it’s so good to hear you again.”

The doctor came forward at that point and quickly checked Merlin and then left them together for a few moments, before they started more detailed checks. Merlin didn’t say anymore but kept looking at his mother and Arthur, and giving them small smiles. After half an hour the doctor came back and asked if he could examine Merlin. Hunith and Arthur were taken to the waiting room and given a cup of tea. Both of them were overjoyed and relieved, but they knew that this wouldn’t be the end. That Merlin would still need time to recover. Once the doctor had examined Merlin he came to speak to the couple. 

“We are arranging an MRI scan this morning, but Mr Emrys has at least made the first steps in his recovery. He appears to be having problems with speech and we will arrange a speech therapist to assess him. Some coma patients need extensive help to relearn how to speak. He is very weak and will obviously need Physiotherapy, the other thing that was apparent on examination is that he has difficulty using his hands so he made need help to regain some of his motor skills. I’m sorry but it’s seldom like the movies when coma sufferers wake up and are back to normal straight away. But you can both help in his rehabilitation.” The doctor looked at them both once more. “At this stage we can’t tell if Merlin will have any long tern problems.”

Arthur and Hunith looked at each other and Arthur spoke “We will help however we can Doctor, and whatever happens with his long term recovery he will come home with me. We’re so pleased that he was woken and he knew both of us straight away.”

“Yes that is a good sign, now you can go back to him, but we will need to borrow him for tests etc all day I’m afraid. I will speak to you again once we’ve done some tests.” 

Merlin was awake for short periods during the day and Arthur helped him eat his first solid food for six months, all be it weetabix. Merlin couldn’t seem to work out how to pick up the spoon and bring it to his month, but Arthur helped him. It wasn’t clear yet whether it was weakness, confusion or another cause. Merlin was sat up in the bed more and was looking around quite a bit although his focus still seemed to be off. He was better with close objects and at least had a grin on his face. He kept dropping off to sleep but the nurses said that was to be expected and he would hopefully get better every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry very short chapter today  
> ..................................................................................................................................................


	6. Chapter 6

The doctor came back to speak to Arthur and Hunith at the end of the day. The tests appeared to be positive and there was no structural damage caused by the coma. Merlin was having some difficulty with his speech, but the speech therapist felt Merlin would soon show signs of improvement. Despite the physiotherapy over the past six months Merlin had a degree of muscle wastage and weakness, that would involve a long period of further physiotherapy but they were hopefully he would regain some, if not all of his former mobility. There was some worry about his motor coordination, and there was some doubt he would gain full use of his hands, although the physio’s again had hopes that Merlin would regain sufficient to be able to eat and drink independently after retraining. 

“The biggest worry is his mental health. He may well suffer from Hallucinations; in fact he has already had a mild hallucination today, poor concentration and some personality changes may also occur. We can’t be sure yet to what degree or whether it will be permanent. He will need a lot of support and encouragement. He has no recollection of what happened to him and was upset to find he had been in a coma for six months. It’s important to be honest with him, and we will continue to discuss things with him as he improves.” The doctor paused.

“I know you had difficulties that led up to this incident occurring Mr Pendragon, and I need to be honest with you as well. If you aren’t fully committed to Mr Emrys, and how much help he will need in the future, it might be best if you withdrew from your relationship now. In the long run it will be easier for him to cope with.” 

“I’m committed, I love Merlin, I let work get in the way of our relationship and I was stupid. It won’t happen again. I’m staying.” Arthur was angry that the doctor would think he would leave Merlin now.

“Think about it carefully please; make sure you’re not staying because of guilt. It will ruin his chances of a good recovery and your life. No one will think less of you. You’re both young and have a lifetime ahead of you.”

“I don’t need to think, I love Merlin and I’m with him forever, whatever his outcomes.” Arthur said.

After the doctor left Hunith turned to Arthur “Arthur I know you love Merlin, but think about what the doctor said, Merlin might not be the same man he was. I don’t want you ruining your life. Promise me you’ll think seriously.”

“I will Hunith” Arthur hugged Merlin’s mother “But I know in my heart what the answer is. I love Merlin and always will, I can’t leave him now. I regret it for the rest of my life.”

“I’ll let you get back to him. As I said his recovery will be slow and continue long after he leaves here, and he will be here for months. In the next few days he will be moved to the ward where stroke Patients are treated as that is where his rehabilitation can be dealt with best.”

All the tests and assessments had worn Merlin out and he slept for most of the rest of the day. Just before Hunith and Arthur left for the night Arthur bent and kissed Merlin’s forehead. As he did Merlin opened his eyes. 

“Love you Merlin, I see you tomorrow.” Arthur smiled at Merlin glad to at least see his awake before leaving.

“L..” the younger man tried to speak.

“I know Merlin, hush rest.” Arthur said, he could feel tears forming so turned away.

Then Hunith kissed him and smiled “I love you to darling but rest you can speak to us in the morning. Merlin squeezed her hand.

That night was a long one for Arthur, he did as the doctor and Hunith had asked and thought long and hard about Merlin and his recovery, and what it would mean to their relationship. But the one thing he did know was that he loved Merlin and would never find anyone else like him. At six o’clock he rang his sister.

“This better be good.” Said a sleepy Morgana, as she answered the phone.

“Sorry Sis, but I need to speak to you before I went to the hospital.”

“How’s Merlin?” Morgana was instantly awake.

“There not sure yet, they don’t know how much damaged has been caused. He could be physically weak as well as having mental problems.” Arthur explained what the doctors had told him. “They have asked me to carefully consider whether I stay with him. They said it would be better if I left now and not later. But I can’t Morgana, I’ve thought about it all night, I can’t leave him I love him. But am I doing the right thing for him?”

“Only you know that Arthur, but I know how much he means to you, and they don’t know what Merlin will be like. Love can do wonderful things.” Morgana felt for her brother. “Do what your heart tells you, whatever your decision I’ll be here for you.”

“Merlin’s a fighter, you know he is. I can’t leave him….and not just because it’s my fault he’s in this mess. I just love him to much, even if I haven’t shown it lately.”


	7. Chapter 7

Over the next few days Merlin began to try and talk more, with limited success. The speech therapists had started to give Merlin exercises for his face and tongue, which Hunith and Arthur helped him with, to back up the professional sessions. It involved making a lot of different faces to strengthen the muscles, that hadn’t been used for so long. Merlin also has exercises for his tongue. Merlin was getting increasingly frustrated, but by using humour Arthur managed to calm Merlin, down most of the time. The exercises would also help Merlin with eating better, although at the moment he was on a soft diet. 

One of the things that frustrated Merlin the most was his fine hand movements. He needed quite a bit of help to eat, as he couldn’t hold cutlery very well. The therapists had supplied him with special handles that made it easier for him to hold his spoon and fork. Arthur and Hunith helped him but Merlin hated being so helpless. The nurses had started to sit him out in a chair for meals, but he had to be hoisted, as he wasn’t able to stand. This embarrassed him and he found it uncomfortable.

Arthur walked into the ward one day to find Merlin very agitated. One of the nurses was trying to calm him. The nurse turned to Arthur:

“Merlin is having a hallucination; he thinks there are monsters on the ceiling.”

Arthur took Merlin in his arms sitting him up more; the doctors had already told him what to do if this happened. “Don’t worry Merlin I’m here with you, nothing can hurt you, there’s nothing there love, it’s due to the drugs nothing else it will all go away. I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

Arthur looked into Merlin’s face remaining calm and reassuring as he spoke. Gradually Merlin started to relax as he realised Arthur was with him and holding him. The episode had scared Arthur but he was pleased with how he’d helped Merlin through it. The nurse stayed close until she could see Merlin had settled. She later praised Arthur for dealing with Merlin so well.

Merlin’s rehabilitation was a long process, and there were many dramas during Merlin’s stay in hospital. When the physio’s started to get Merlin to weight bare and stand, Merlin would get very cross about how weak he was. He would shout and get very frustrated with the slow progress. Arthur noticed he was less patient than he used to be, and would get upset at the smallest things. On several occasions Merlin pushed his plate off the table in anger, when he was having trouble using his fork. He hated Arthur or anyone else helping him. 

On the plus side his speech was improving, and Merlin could now hold a conversation with people, as long as he took his time with the words. Their friends were now visiting, and Merlin loved to see them. They were all surprised at the change in their friend, and how dependant he was on others. It hit Gwaine hard; he had thought once Merlin had woken for his coma, he would soon be back to his normal self. He found it difficult to cope with the mood swings and although he tried, he was prone to getting impatient with Merlin. This in turn upset Merlin and made everything worse. Gwaine’s visits became less frequent; although he still rang Arthur for updates he just couldn’t face Merlin and seeing him so dependent on others. Arthur understood and tried to explain to Merlin that his friend still thought a lot of him. 

Percy continued to pop in every so often, and his attitude to Arthur changed overtime. Although Merlin himself couldn’t remember what had happened or the couple of days before, Arthur had told him, and had been completely honest about what happened when Merlin asked. Merlin didn’t seem to blame Arthur in any way. Both men became friends with Percy, and knew that the big man would remain a part of their lives.

Their friends were surprised at Arthur patience, and his ability to keep Merlin calm, and their original anger with him soon faded and they all had a lot of respect for how he was coping. Arthur was so pleased, one day, when he walked on the ward to find Merlin taking a few steps with a Zimmer frame. It felt like real progress. He took some pictures on his phone to share with their friends, and send to Hunith. Merlin’s mother was travelling backwards and forwards spending what time she could with her son. Arthur was visiting every evening and weekends, as well as trying to spend two half days in the week with Merlin. His whole life now revolved around his boyfriend.

After a couple of weeks Arthur found that one of the things Merlin liked was finger food; it meant he could feed his self without making a mess, so once a week he would take in a burger and chips. If Arthur cut the burger in four Merlin could eat it all. Merlin had had the feeding tube removed and this helped the young men’s moral, they really began to fell progress was being made. 

After eight weeks Merlin was able to walk to the toilet by himself, and gain some independence, although he still needed some help. It was during this time that Merlin fell and hurt his hand, making eating and using the zimmer frame more difficult. This in turn made Merlin become increasingly frustrated and angry with the world. When his mood lowered the hallucinations increased and put more strain on Arthur. At least his talking had improved in leaps and bounds and except for some difficulty if he was stressed, and as long as he didn’t try to rush, he could now make himself easily understood.

Discharge was now being discussed, and the help Merlin would need. At first Arthur insisted he could cope alone, but he soon realised this wouldn’t be practical. Merlin still had a while to go before he was to his maximum potential. He could no longer use his hands completely, and it was small things he needed help with he wasn’t able to use a knife to spread anything on bread or other simple tasks. As Arthur found out one day, Merlin had used the bathroom and had to call to have his bottom wiped. Merlin was mortified when Arthur answered the call bell; he hadn’t wanted his boyfriend to have to do such tasks for him. 

At least the hallucinations were decreasing and Merlin tended to have them at night time only now. Merlin also still need the zimmer frame to walk and the hospital said it might be many more months before he could do without it. They still had a long way to go. But both of the men were looking forward to discharge


	8. Chapter 8

Arthur didn’t think he would have been able to cope, if it hadn’t been for the ward staff that was so supportive of him, and he was worried what would happen once he took Merlin home. He had been seeing the clinical psychologist for coping strategies, and she thought he would be ok with his support system at home. His father had surprised him; although he hadn’t visited that often he would phone up most days and was letting him have as much time off work as he needed. He hadn’t even cut his wages. Arthur would never have believed his father would have helped him so much. He knew his sister and her husband would help anyway they could, but it was clear he would need outside help. 

The ward put him in contact with an agency, who would supply a carer to stay with Merlin, when Arthur needed to go out to work. Although he was going to do quite a bit of work from home, his father thought it best he get out of the flat sometimes and see other people, so he would be going to work three days a week. Arthur had made some changes to the flat, mainly moving stuff around, so Merlin could use his frame to get about. All he needed now was to get Merlin home. He was so looking forward to just being able to sleep with Merlin and hold him close, he missed the other man at night. Arthur knew it might be a long time before he do more than cuddle Merlin, but that would be enough for now. What else came would be at Merlin’s speed.

Merlin was also getting both exited and scared about going home. He wanted to get out of hospital, but was frightened he would be too much for Arthur to cope with. He hated being a burden and wanted to get back to normal. He also hated seeing the look on both Arthur’s and his mother’s faces when they didn’t realise he was looking. He knew that his condition made them sad. He also hated the looks of pity he saw on his friend’s faces and the way they sometimes treated him like an idiot. Merlin wished he could turn the clock back. The staff had explained that some of his feelings were due to a grieving process for his past life and that his anger and depression were part of this. He also knew that when he tried to convince himself that he would wake up one morning and it would all be ok, was part of this same process. The psychologist had assured him that acceptance would come, and once it did he would be able to cope better with his life. But at the moment he didn’t believe her. He would never accept what had happened to him.

On several occasions Merlin had tried to push both his mother and Arthur away, he didn’t want them to waste their lives on him. But neither would go and afterwards he felt worse for upsetting them. He just hoped that Arthur wouldn’t regret staying with him and end up hating him.

A week before Merlin’s discharge he went home for the day to check that everything was set up for him. It was strange going through the door for the first time in nearly six months. All around him were reminders of his past life and he found himself crying. The Occupational therapist left him with Arthur for a time to recover. Arthur just held him and they cried together but for different reasons. Merlin for his past life and Arthur because he had his lover home, something he had thought might never happen. 

Aside from the tears the visit was a success, a few things were identified that needed changing but nothing that would stop Merlin’s discharge in a week. In fact it had gone so well that Merlin was going to stay the night before going back to hospital. Arthur didn’t tell anyone, wanting the time to be with Merlin alone. That night as he helped Merlin to get into their bed was the happiest either of them had been since the incident. Just to lie there together and hold each other was enough. To be able to kiss without anyone else there was an intense moment of pleasure for them both. The next morning Arthur helped Merlin get showered and dressed to return to hospital. Neither of them wanted to part but knew they had a few more things to get right before Merlin was home for good. When they walked back into the ward they both felt depressed.

During the next week several changes were made to the flat. The one that Arthur hated was the contraption that was now around their toilet. It raised the seat and had bars at each side to make it easier for Merlin to sit and stand. To Arthur it was hideous and whenever he saw it his heart sank. It was a little thing but it just highlighted to him all that had happened. He also hated the fact that it was there and he would have to use it as well. It was too cumbersome to keep removing.

The spare bedroom was now set up as a mini gym so Merlin could continue to build his strength, although Merlin would still go to the rehab unit once a week for the day. Arthur’s office, that had previously occupied the spare room, had been moved to a corner in the living, so he could work at home sometimes. Their home had lost the sleek look it once had, and was now more cluttered with the things Merlin would need to cope with daily life. Arthur had even sold his beloved sports car for a model easier for Merlin to get in and out of. 

The day of discharge had arrived and Arthur turned up to collect Merlin to take him home. All the staff said goodbye and it was quite an emotional experience. The ward felt safe and going home, although an adventure and welcome, was a scary thing for both men. Arthur had arranged to have the first week off work and the discharge had been planned for the Monday to give the men time to settle into their new lives. As Arthur pulled up in his parking space they looked at each other.

“Welcome home darling.” Arthur leant across and kissed Merlin.

“It good be back” Merlin’s words didn’t come out quite right with the emotion of the day.

Arthur got out of the car and got the zimmer from the boot and opened the passenger side door to help Merlin get out. As he did so Hunith arrived to help.

She kissed her son “Welcome home son. I’ll carry some of this up for you. And don’t worry I’m going home later, but I had to see you coming home.”

“Good to see you Mum” Merlin smiled. It was nice to see his mum look so happy.

Now the real recovery phase was beginning.


	9. Chapter 9

The first week was strange for the two men. They had lived together for five months, prior to Merlin going into hospital, but now all their boundaries had changed. As well as that the carer Tristan, was coming in every day for a week, just to help them adjust. He came in for two hours every morning to help with Merlin’s personal care. The idea was he would help Arthur and show him what help Merlin needed. The trouble was Merlin resented having them both helping him with things, and found it embarrassing. As a result he became difficult and bad tempered. In the end Tristan went through things with Arthur first, and then kept out of the way unless Arthur needed help. Merlin was able to do quite a bit of his own care, provided he could reach everything he needed. He was gradually improving but some days were better than others. His hands in particular caused him problems. 

On the third morning he decided he wanted toast for breakfast. Arthur made the toast, but Merlin wanted to spread the butter and marmalade himself. It took eight slices before Merlin managed to spread the butter on one slice without breaking the toast all up. Even then Arthur did the marmalade for him. It was these simple things that took the time and patience. But it was something Merlin needed to practice and learn to do himself. Another simple task that took him hours was putting on this socks. He refused to use the aid he had been given, and instead would take up to an hour on each sock every morning.

But it was this determination that ensured he was slowly improving. Arthur got very frustrated, and had a habit of trying to take over after awhile. He found it hard to watch Merlin struggle, when he could do things for his boyfriend much quicker. They had several arguments that first week and on two occasions Merlin hit Arthur quite hard when he got frustrated, doing something, immediately afterwards Merlin was sorry, but they both found that difficult to deal with. Arthur discussed this with the hospital and they told him to treat each incident as an isolated one, and to try to stay calm, but to walk away if necessary. They also suggested diversion therapy or getting Merlin a stress ball to see if he could take his frustration out that way. Together the men worked together to find ways to deal with the stress.

By the end of the first week Arthur went back to work. He would go in Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays and work from home on Fridays. His father was happy for Arthur to do just the four days until they sorted themselves out. Tristan would go in on the three days Arthur wasn’t there. On the Thursday Arthur took Merlin to the rehab centre for six hours. It also gave him chance to ask questions and gain support. 

Once they had got into the routine it became easier for them both. Although Merlin still became very embarrassed about have to get someone to wipe his backside for him. He tried to do it himself but found he couldn’t do a very good job or he’d overbalance, even if he did it sitting on the loo. Then Arthur had a brain wave and rigged up a gadget with a handle that would hold the paper and was bent at enough of an angle to reach. This caused hilarity but worked. The rehab people were impressed and pinched the idea to develop for others to use. 

Merlin was still hoping to go back to work one day but accepted that would be in the future, and might not involve his same employers. He had worked in a large insurance company, but they wanted him to take redundancy. After much discussion Merlin agreed. He hadn’t wanted to, and Arthur suggested fighting it but Merlin said he had no idea if and when he would be able go back. Also if he went, someone else would keep their job, as the company was getting rid of eight workers.

Merlin had been home for a month when the first anniversary of Merlin officially moving in with Arthur loomed, although Merlin had sent most of his time there for four months prior to that. Arthur decided it was time to have their friends round. Most of them popped in, from time to time, especially at the weekends but they hadn’t seen them all together. Merlin liked the idea so Arthur rang them all up. Gwaine was the only one that sounded reluctant, but in the end agreed. When Arthur rang Gwen and Lance he asked if they would try and make sure Gwaine turned up. Merlin hadn’t seen his best friend since he’d left hospital and Arthur knew he missed him.

Arthur decided to cheat and buy food in. He used a company his sister recommended, and asked for a buffet. That seemed easier for the first time. The morning of the get together Merlin looked at Arthur and surprised him.

“Can we mke a cake, I havn’t cook for age” Merlin still slurred his words a bit but Arthur had no trouble understanding him now.

“Off course we can, we’ve got all day, and what shall we do a simple sponge?” Before Merlin used to bake quite a lot, he had learnt from his mother.

Merlin nodded. Luckily than had all the ingredients they needed, and the kitchen was soon covered in flour, two eggs ended up on the floor when Merlin dropped them. But they hadn’t laughed so much for ages. The cake turned out reasonable, not up to Merlin’s normal standard, but better than Arthur thought it would. They left it in the kitchen as a surprise for everyone.

An hour before their guests were supposed to arrive, Arthur helped Merlin have a shower and get dressed, and for once Arthur was allowed to put Merlin’s socks on for him. First through the door was Morgana and Leon, soon followed by Will and Freya. Gwen, Lance and Elyan arrived next but didn’t have Gwaine with them. Arthur was disappointed but said nothing. Arthur had also invited Percy who was the next to arrive. But still no Gwaine. They waited awhile and then started their food. Merlin managed to eat quite well and hardly made a mess at all which pleased him. He had avoided drinking as yet, as he was using a special cup and didn’t want the others to see him. Arthur whispered in Merlin’s ear and they went out together to the kitchen, they had just got there when the door bell rang. Morgana answered it and when Merlin heard Gwaine’s voice his face lit up. He turned the zimmer frame round and went back into the other room.

“Hi Buddy, sorry I’m late” Gwaine said as he went up to Merlin and patted his back.

“Wain, ood see ou” in his excitement his words didn’t come out well.

Gwaine’s face fell, he quickly masked it, but not before Merlin noticed. Merlin went bright red and his eyes filled with tears. He turned his zimmer round and shuffled back to the kitchen. There was an awkward silence before Morgana told Gwaine to sit down and join them. Once Merlin was in the kitchen Morgana turned to Gwaine.

“That was cruel, he’s been so looking forward to seeing you, and he got excited and slurred his words. He’s been so good lately. Now go and apologise, you’re his best friend, and haven’t even come to see him before, how do you think you’ve made him feel?”

Gwaine looked suitably chastised “I’m sorry, its hard seeing him like that I don’t know what to say.” He stood up and went towards the kitchen.

When Merlin reached the kitchen he swallowed, trying to stop his tears from falling. Gwaine was his friend and he’d missed him, then to make such an idiot of himself. Arthur pulled Merlin into his arms and held him as Merlin fought to control his emotions.

“He didn’t mean anything by it love, it’s hard for him, he doesn’t know what to say to you.”

“Im sam peson, hurts” Merlin mumbled. “Miss im”

Gwaine had reached the door at this point and heard what Merlin had said and felt ashamed. He took a deep breath, he had two choices, either go home and not see Merlin again or face up to things. Gwaine admitted to himself he had missed his mate, so he walked into the kitchen and put his arms around Merlin taking him from Arthur.

“I’m sorry mate, really sorry. I’ve let you down badly. But I’m here now and I’m staying. Do you forgive me?”

Merlin looked at Gwaine and nodded before smiling and pointing at the cake “oclate cake”

“Yes please. Did you make it?” Gwaine asked. He loved Merlin’s baking.

“Me and Arthhhur” he took his time to speak.

“I hope that’s all mine!”

“Piss off Gwaine! You get the smallest slice for coming late.” Arthur said he was cross with the brunette for what had happened.

When they went back into the others with the cake they all made a fuss and no one commented that it wasn’t up to Merlin’s old standard. Merlin felt he had achieved something and was happy. All in all the evening had been a success and Merlin was reunited with Gwaine who promised to visit soon.

That night as he snuggled up to Arthur he moved his hand below the blondes waist and grinned. It was the first time Merlin had made any move towards recommencing their sexual relationship past kissing. Arthur smile back.

“Are you sure love, I mean I want to, it’s been hard not to, but are you sure.” Arthur was babbling and he knew it.

“Sure,love you, want to” Merlin paused and then looked worried “haven’t got to if..” he wondered if Arthur really wanted to or if it would be pity sex.

Arthur looked at him and Merlin received all the answer he needed as he looked into Arthur’s eyes.

Somehow after that everything seemed better. Arthur and Merlin both actually began to think they would make it. They still had a long way to go but together they knew they could do it.


	10. Chapter 10

The party and seeing Gwaine again had lifted Merlin’s mood, which in turn lifted Arthur’s. When they went to Rehab the following Thursday, the Physiotherapists suggested Merlin try using crutch at home instead, of the Zimmer frame. Indoors he was to try with one crutch, but if he went out they suggested he use two. His hand movement was such that he could grip the handle, it was narrower things he still had some problems with.

He was also supplied with a special keyboard for their computer. It had extra large keys, to make it easier for him to use, it would take practice to master, but the idea was so he could start to keep in contact with his friends easier. Merlin hated using the phone due to his speech problems and he had no way of dialling unless he asked Arthur or Tristan.

Hunith was coming to stay for the weekend, and Merlin decided he would do some more baking to surprise her. So on the Friday the two men baked a fruit cake and some bread. To their surprise the bread turned out to be a success, a Merlin had found kneading it very therapeutic. It was so good they ate the first loaf that day, and had to make another. When they ordered their groceries on line they added more ingredients so they could do more baking. Arthur was pleased to have found something that Merlin could do. That also gave them quality time together. 

Hunith noticed the change in her son and told him. Merlin was pleased, he hadn’t seen his mother for a couple of weeks, and as he and Arthur lived with his problems all the time they didn’t notice the improvements he was making, where as his mother had done. They all went out on the Sunday to the park, just to get out of the flat. Merlin used the Zimmer as he still didn’t feel confident enough to use his crutches outside, but they all had a good time. Hunith went back early Sunday evening, promising to come again soon. Later that evening Merlin had a hallucination, the first for several weeks. He became really panicky and was convinced there were creatures all over the flat. Arthur was trying to calm him down, unsuccessfully, when Gwaine arrived unexpectedly.

Gwaine was upset and was going to leave straight away, but Arthur asked him to help reassure Merlin in the hope that the two of them would make Merlin feel safe. They did, but it took some time, once Merlin had calmed he fell into a deep sleep. Arthur decided to try to explain things to Gwaine.

“Thanks Gwaine, he hasn’t had a hallucination for ages, the doctors hope they will go altogether in time. It’s due to the damage the drug caused. It’s worse than it looks, and he usually calms down quite quickly, but I think he was over tired tonight. Hunith was down for the weekend and we went out to the park.”

Gwaine looked unconvinced “What else does he get? I mean I’ve heard his talking, his walking isn’t right yet and his hands. Is there anything else?”

“A few things, he gets very angry at times, and he also gets depressed. But he’s getting there. It’s frustrating not being able to do things. It can take him an hour to get his socks on in the morning, things like that.” Arthur looked at Gwaine “He’s really pleased to see you again Gwaine, it did him a lot of good.”

Gwaine looked at Arthur a sheepish look on his face. “Sorry I shouldn’t have kept away, but I couldn’t handle it. I thought when Merlin woke up he would be fine…….I didn’t expect him to be so………..” he thought for the word he wanted, “damaged, I suppose.”

“He’s still Merlin, and with support we’ll get him back. He might always have some problems, we don’t know yet, but he’s come so far. He needs his friends Gwaine….we both do.” Arthur looked at Gwaine and then stood up. “What a drink, I could do with one.”

The two men sat and had a couple of drinks together before Gwaine left, at least now he felt he understood more. He promised to come back the next evening to see Merlin. Tonight had made him think, he knew he had been selfish keeping away, when his friends needed him but know he felt able to be in their lives once more.

When he called back the following evening Merlin remembered nothing of the night before. But he was pleased to see Gwaine, and they sat and talked for ages. Gwaine realised than that when Merlin was calm, his speech improved significantly. He just need time to get some of the works out. Gwaine hugged Merlin before he left and promised to come to see his the following weekend, if not before. This proved an easy promise to keep. Saturday morning had became baking day at the flat, something Gwaine and their friends soon caught on to, and most Saturday afternoons and evenings they had visitors to try their efforts.

Gradually Merlin got the hang of walking round the flat with one crutch, grabbing hold of furniture sometimes, to help him get about. He didn’t realise how well he was doing, until one day, he forgot his crutch when going from the kitchen to the lounge. In fact Merlin hadn’t noticed until he went to go to the bathroom and realised where his crutch was. From then on he used it less and less, until he wasn’t using it at all indoors. The new key board had also opened up his live once more, it had taken a bit of getting used to, but once he’d mastered it he was back emailing and on facebook. It gave him back a chunk of this life.

His relationship with Arthur had never been so close, but as often happened, it was Arthur who took the brunt of Merlin’s moods. This became more apparent when Tristan’s visits stopped and Merlin spent time at home alone. Although Merlin had a medical alert alarm system, in case he fell or needed help, he spent hours on his own. This meant he had more time to think and brood on what might have been and what his life was now.


	11. Chapter 11

One morning when the alarm went off Arthur kissed Merlin and attempted to untangle his self from the mess of legs and arms they always woke up in.

“Come on Merlin I need to get up, I’ve got to go to work.” Arthur muttered.

“Stay home, I don’t want you to go.” Merlin pleaded.

“Sorry love, Dads away on a business trip and I’ve got to be there to sign a new contract.” Arthur explained. He hated it when Merlin did this it made him feel so guilty. After all it was work that got them into this mess. But this was different, he was still working part time and getting paid full time wages and his father had been amazing about letting Arthur go early as well. But this was an important contract that would keep men in work.

“No can’t go, want you here.” Merlin cuddled in even closer.

“Just for a bit longer then I must go, I can be back by dinnertime so I won’t be gone long.” Arthur cuddled into Merlin for another half an hour, and then attempted to get up once more.

“No! You promised you’d say home if I need you.” Merlin wined. “Stay… please”

“Sorry Merlin I really can’t. I’ll only be gone for three or four hours, I promise.” Arthur felt really guilty, but he didn’t see what else he could do, he had no choice. 

“I’ll ring you when I get to work, and as soon as I can after the meeting ok.” he offered. “I’ll ask Gwaine to ring you as well.” Arthur managed to get out of bed, but received a punch in the kidneys as he sat up.

“Ouph…that hurt Merlin.” He turned to his boyfriend “I’ve said I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do. If we don’t get this contract we may have to lay some people off for a while. With the recession it’s hard out there for a lot of people.” He explained.

Merlin just buried his head under the covers. Arthur had a quick shower got dressed and after trying to kiss Merlin goodbye, and failing, he left. He felt really mean and hoped once Merlin woke up properly, and thought about it, he would be ok. When he got to work he tried to ring Merlin but he got no answer. He then rang Gwaine and told him what had happened, the brunette promised to ring Merlin later and if he got no answer he would email him.

Arthur got on with the meeting, even though his attention kept wandering. Once the contract was successfully signed he tried to ring home again, but no luck. Gwaine had rang to say he had spoken to Merlin at ten o’clock and he was still in a strop.

At eleven thirty Arthur left a message on the answer phone for Merlin, and then left the office and drove home. He really had a lot of work to do, but would have to try to do it from home. He was feeling increasing guilty about all the time he was having off, and wished he could put in proper hours. He would never go back to what he had done before, but it was hard living as he was. He was a proud man and it was like accepting charity from his father. To make it worse he knew times were hard in the business.

As he got to the door and went inside he called out.

“Hi love I’m home” but got no answer. That meant Merlin would be in a foul mood. Arthur walked into the bedroom to find it empty, so were all the other rooms. Merlin was missing. There was no note anywhere. By now Arthur was frantic. How could Merlin do this to him? He should never have gone in. Flash backs of the original incident went through his mind. He knew he couldn’t cope if Merlin had disappeared again. He stood in the middle of the kitchen in total and utter shock. His brain just froze; he wasn’t sure how long he stood there, then he heard the front door open. Arthur still didn’t move he couldn’t, Merlin walked into the kitchen with a carrier bag in his hand. He looked at Arthur and grinned.

“ been out by myself and go a take way, surprise, sorry earlier.” 

Arthur snapped, and his hand came up and he slapped Merlin round the face.

“You bastard do you know how worried I was.” It was the first time Arthur had ever hit his boyfriend, and as his hand hit he realised what he had done but it was too late.

Merlin stumbled back into the table and dropped the carrier bag as he grabbed out to stop himself falling. His hand went up to his face “you it me” he said as shocked as Arthur by what had happened.

They stood there for what, to both of them, seemed ages but was only about a minute. Neither of them heard the front door open nor did they hear Gwaine walk into the kitchen. He stood there looking at the scene in front of him.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

Merlin didn’t even turn his head “e it me” he was still in shock.

“You did what!!” Gwaine demanded glaring at Arthur. He moved toward Merlin and picked the bag up off the floor, before helping Merlin to sit down. Gwaine moved toward Arthur and started to raise his fist.

“NO WAIN” Merlin shouted. “not is fault” Gwaine lowered his fist. 

Gwaine turned to Merlin once more asking “What the hell’s going on.”

Arthur suddenly sagged and fell to his knees and started to cry. 

Gwaine looked from one to the other. “Right Arthur, tell me what happened.”

“I hit Merlin, oh my god I hit him.” Was all he could get out.

“Yes by why, what happened?”

“I got home he wasn’t here, I thought I’d lost him again…………then he walked in with a take away…..he’d been out by himself and hadn’t left a note, all morning I’ve been trying to get hold of him…….Gwaine I hit……………………I’m so sorry Merlin” he managed to get out between sobs.

Merlin looked horrified “Oh” was all he could say. He suddenly realised what he had put Arthur though.

“That’s no excuse to hit him!” Gwaine shouted at him.

“I know…..I know” Arthur pulled himself off the floor and turned and went out the door and then left the flat. Merlin went to follow his boyfriend.

“No come back!” he shouted. Gwaine grabbed his friend 

“Let him go Merlin. Come here.” He pulled the younger man to him and gave him a hug. 

Then he looked at Merlin’s face and inspected the red area where Arthur’s hand had hit. Merlin’s face was swelling over the area. By now Merlin was crying and he was saying Arthur’s name over and over again. Gwaine took him into the bedroom and lay him down and sat with him. When Arthur didn’t come back he tried to phone him, but Arthur’s phone was in his jacket thrown over the chair.

Gwaine shock his head “What a mess” he said to himself. Once he had known what had happened, and also knowing how worried Arthur had been all day, he could sort of see why Arthur had snapped, he didn’t excuse it however. When Arthur wasn’t back an hour later, he rang Morgana and told her what had happened, promising to stay with Merlin until Arthur came back.


	12. Chapter 12

Morgana went straight round to a place she knew her brother always went to, when he wanted to think. He’d started going there when he was a child and had had an argument with his father, she hoped against all hope he would be there. Morgana entered a small hidden garden at Grosvenor square, she knew there was a small area within it that had hidden seating, and sure enough as she walked round the planting she could see her brother sitting there. He had his head in his hands and he was clearly sobbing his heart out. The sight made her own eyes water. She walked up and sat down beside him and put her arms round him. 

“Come on Arthur. Let it out, I’m here with you.”

“I hit him Gana, I love him more than anything in the world and yet I hit him.” Arthur couldn’t even bring himself to look at his sister he was so ashamed.

“Gwaine explained what happened, Arthur; you were out of your mind with worry.”

“That doesn’t change anything; I hit the man I love, a man who isn’t either well or strong. He was only trying to do something nice for me, and I struck out.” Arthur looked at his sister for the first time. She could see his eyes were red from crying and had a haunted look to them.

“Come on let’s get you back. You two need to talk things through, Merlin’s worried about you.” Morgana wasn’t sure of Merlin’s reaction, but she knew the two men loved each other enough to get over this.

“I can’t, I mustn’t, and I can’t go near him Gana. I can’t be trusted. Didn’t you hear what I said, I HIT MERLIN.” Arthur sounded desperate.

“Yes I know, but I also know he’s hit you more than once in the past year, don’t be a fool Arthur, you need to talk to him. Now come on I’m taking you home. If you decide not to stay there then fine, you can come home with me. But you can’t leave it like this. Merlin’s will be worried about you.”

Morgana took her brothers arm and lead him towards her car. She was surprised at how easily he came. But then she knew he would do anything for Merlin. Arriving at the flat she went upstairs with him. He paused at the door almost as if he was going to change his mind, but she gave him a gentle push and he entered to be greeted by a still angry Gwaine. Morgana gave Gwaine one of her deadly stares ,which seemed to have only a small effect on the brunette.

“Go on Arthur go and speak to Merlin, sort it out.” Morgana pushed her brother toward the bedroom.

“I’ll be listening out, and if you touch him your dead.” Gwaine growled at him.

“I won’t, never again.” Arthur looked at Gwaine. Gwaine’s attitude changed slightly as he looked into Arthur’s eyes and saw the despair and self hatred there.

“He won’t listen either, what’s said is between the two of you.” Arthur’s sister reassured him. “Go on.”

Arthur opened the bedroom door slowly, as if expecting to be told to go away. Merlin was curled up on the bed and looked as miserable as Arthur felt. The blonde walked closer and sat on the edge of the bed. His face was still streaked with the marks his tears had made. Merlin sat up and moved closer then at the same time they spoke.

“I’m sorry” they both looked at each other before reaching out and clinging together as if frightened the other one would move away. They both sobbed into the others shoulder. It was sometime before they stopped enough to look at each other once again. Arthur was the first to speak this time.

“I’m so very sorry; I can understand if you want me to leave, I should never have hit you, I don’t know what happened, I was so worried when I got home and you weren’t here, all I could think of was last time. Then when you walked in grinning I just snapped.”

Merlin looked at Arthur and then before speaking took the others man face in his hands and kissed him gently. “My fault, should left note, didn’t think. Wanted to give surprise cause of morning.” His words were not coming out as he wanted them to, so he stopped and tried to settle himself. “first time out by self. I sorry my fault. I hit you morning….again….you never hit me before.” Merlin swallowed “Love you so much.”

“I shouldn’t have hit you my love.” Arthur lifted his hand and gently touched Merlin’s still red face. “I’m worried I might again………….I need to leave and sort myself out. I can’t risk hurting you.”

“NO!” Merlin shouted which immediately brought Gwaine bursting into the room.

Merlin turned and looked at Gwaine “Stop him, he wants to leave, can’t, I love him.”

Gwaine realised then that Merlin wasn’t going to be hit again and just looked at Arthur.

“I can’t stay Gwaine; I can’t risk hurting him again. He means too much to me.” Arthur explained.

Gwaine looked at the pair of them, their love for each other apparent. “I don’t think you’re going anywhere, we’ve been talking out here, you need to stay with Merlin, and he needs you. You can’t run away from him.” Gwaine spoke softly “He told me he’s hit you several times. I know it does make what you did right, but you need to work this out. I can stay here for a while if you want me to.”

Arthur and Merlin looked at each other before Merlin answered “thank you” then he turned to this lover “stay please” was all he said, then he threw himself into Arthur’s arms.

Gwaine walked out and closed the door behind him. He turned to Morgana. “I’ll stay here for at least tonight, if you hang about while I go and get a few things. This is a hell of a mess but they need each other, you’re right about that.”

The two men spent the next three hours talking. They both told each other their fears and worries, being totally honest with each other for the first time.

Arthur told Merlin how frustrated he was getting and how bad he felt for not working properly, but how he also wanted to stay with Merlin. He told Merlin how much it hurt when Merlin made him feel guilty and how much it hurt his, both physically and mentally when Merlin struck out at him. He also told Merlin how guilty he felt about everything.

Merlin in turn told Arthur how he hated his new self; he wanted his old self back so much. He didn’t want to be dependent on Arthur for everything. He knew it would take time. He also said how he hated being alone and was truly scared he would have an accident or hallucination when no one was with him. He also said that after he hit Arthur it made him feel better of a few seconds, it seemed to get rid of his frustration, then he felt really bad and he wanted to stop doing it. He was also worried that Arthur would go back to his old ways when work took over.

Afterwards they both understood each other’s point of view better. They went and had a wash and clean up before joining Gwaine who warmed up the take a way and they ate in silence. Once they had finished Merlin and Arthur told Gwaine what they had talked about. Then they went to bed, Gwaine sleeping on the sofa.

The next morning when Arthur walked out to make the tea for everyone he hadn’t put on a top. He just hadn’t thought as normally he slept topless and didn’t dress till after he had a shower. Gwaine saw the large bruise that Merlin had inflicted the morning before and was surprised. Merlin had told him he hit Arthur but he didn’t realise how hard, it made the slap Arthur had given Merlin fall into some sort of prospective, even if it had still been wrong. Once nine o’clock came Arthur rand their Doctor and made a joint appointment so they could talk things through with someone else.


	13. Chapter 13

The two men were referred for joint counselling and they both found it useful. Another person was found to stay with Merlin while Arthur was at work, this helped with Merlin anxieties. He knew it was a short term measure but it would help. Arthur went back to work every day but finished by three, which helped him, by taking him away from the situation five times a week, and also helped with the issues he had with self esteem. Arthur worked though his dinner break to make up for leaving early. Although his secretary made sure he had a snack and drinks. Gradually the men managed to rebuild their lives.

When they reached the eighteen month anniversary of the incident their lives were on an up. Merlin was now just using a stick outside. He had started to go out by himself far more, even if only to the local shops. The hallucinations had gradually stopped completely in the daytime, and although Merlin did have the occasional one at night if he got really tired. His speech had also improved and although he still had difficulties in stressful situations on a daily basis he was almost back to normal.

Arthur decided that there was something else he wanted to do to make their lives even better. So one day he took Merlin out for a meal at their favourite restaurant and as they finished their food he stood up and moved in front of Merlin before kneeling at his lover’s feet.

“Merlin we have been through so much together and have had our ups and downs but it has made my love for you stronger. You are everything to me and I never want to be apart from you. Will you do me the honour of marrying me?”

Merlin looked down at Arthur, his eyes began to fill and he opened his mouth but no words came out. So in the end he nodded and smiled enough to split his face in two. Then with one major effort he spoke “Yes, oh yes please.” 

Arthur gathered him up in his arms and all their friends came from round the corner where they had been waiting. There were cheers and wolf whistles as they took it in turns to congratulate the couple.

Merlin looked at Arthur “Sure of yourself or what?”

Arthur smiled back “Who could resist me?” 

The wedding its self was a very happy occasion and Percy was the best man, without him the wedding would never have happened, and he was now a friend for life. Merlin managed to go through the whole ceremony without his stick and without fluffing his words. 

Merlin might never completely recover from his ordeal and Arthur might never feel happy with Merlin going out by himself. They had been through hell and back and their lives would never be the same again, but they had each other and were stronger for it. What is more they would never take each other for granted again. They had gained so much over the past eighteen months. They now talked through their problems, they also had closer friendships with those around them and Arthur had a fantastic relationship with his father, who now accepted Merlin as part of the family, which was something they may never had had if not for what had happened.

Can’t live with you, can’t live without you.

had turned into:

Can’t live without you and only death will us part.


End file.
